I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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