it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
