i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
