Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
this boner is exhausting
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Randomize
