...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
