It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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