I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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