yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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