I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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