They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
