I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
