Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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