Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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