Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
