I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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