you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize