Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
