Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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