I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
