I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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