I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
