Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
