Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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