I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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