I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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