): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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