Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
