I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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