she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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