Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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