She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize