I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize