Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
