I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
