My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
