Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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