Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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