UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
