Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
