Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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