it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
