Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
