Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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