Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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