woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
