I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
