She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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