She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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