just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
