Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
