My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
