my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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