I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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