i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
