Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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