I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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