there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
