Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
