Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
