Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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