I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
