i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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