im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
